Friday, 12 July 2013

Tabloids Looking for Women

Hay ladies!

Have you been sexually abused?

If you haven’t, who cares!

Just pick a man. Any man.

Say he sexually abused you.

Say he did it 40 or 50 years ago. That way it’s impossible for him to clear himself!

Who cares it happened 40 or 50 years ago. Who cares you were a teenager when he felt you up. We’ll call him a pedo anyway. We don’t worry about semantics.

Don’t worry about your allegations not being true. That’s why we have lawyers!

Hay, you can even pick a man who’s dead! That way he can’t defend himself.

If you’d like your name in the paper and a shit load of cash we’d like to hear from you.

If you’ve got the allegations we’ve got the headlines. And who knows, you might even end up on the next reality show. Money. Fame. Attention. Money. They all await you. That’s right ladies, you can start getting the cash and attention you deserve. So point your finger and say the magic word: Rape!

So join in on the latest craze sweeping the nation and accuse a man of sexual abuse today!


Here’s what others have had to say:

Mary: “I’d never really thought about accusing a man of sexual abuse before, but now that everyone’s doing it I thought why not give it a go, you know. All me mates down bingo are all talking about how me name was in the paper. And I’ve been able to do up me living room with the 50 grand I got. I’ve never been the centre of attention before. But it’s great, yeah, really good”.

Abigale: “I thought it would be really hard but the paper talked me through it, you know, what to say ’n’ that. In fact once I got talking to the woman from the paper, the story practically wrote itself. I’ve never really felt like I fitted in or belonged but being one of the claimants, well it gives you a sense of belonging. I wanted to fit in, be a part of something and now I am. And now that my name has been in the paper a few times, I’ve been asked to appear on the next addition of Celebrity Big Brother. If you haven’t accused a man of rape then all I can say is do it today. Yeah do it today, it’ll change your life”.

Maureen “I’m glad I had those awful men from Corrie arrested. What they did to Deirdre and Sally was terrible”.

Butch Buzzcut: “All men deserve this. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, all men deserve this. At birth they should all be circumcised, completely, if you know what I mean. Men have been oppressing women for far too long and I say it’s about time we started oppressing them. Let’s have them all bloody locked up. They’ll pay. They’ll all pay”.

Stacey: “I just did it for the cash”.

Tracey: “With so many women saying they were abused by celebrities decades ago, I thought, it must have happened to me too. And I just don’t remember it. You know, repressed memories like. Anyway I must have been right coz as soon as I phoned the police he was arrested and the next day the papers were calling him a pedo”.

Kim: In the 60’s I used to go to the BBC and ITV buildings and hang around all the stars, all tarted up like. I was 15, just a month away from turning 16 actually. I was a perfectly willing participant. Boy, we had some good times. But I thought, if shagging someone a month under the legal age is so abominable now, it must be 50 years retroactive. And with everyone else accusing these men, I thought why not join in. You know, get in on it, be part of something”.

So ladies, why not join in on the current cool trend. And don’t worry if you don’t want your name in the paper. It can be completely anonymous and your details are kept confidential. Remember, It’s his name we’re sullying, not yours!

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